On top of my hill where I grew up, huge houses were being built. The land I hiked through was being sold off piece by piece. Today, it’s pretty much all gone with the only remnants of the forest I grew up in are tucked away in plush backyards. But back then, when the builders were just getting started, there were finished roads that lead to dead ends with lamps that lit everything up at night. It was eerie and beautiful in a classy ghost town sort of way. I claimed the main entrance as my meeting place with God. I would go up there and pray and play. I was a kid and everything was an adventure especially with God. Every car that came by was some kind of sentry bent on capturing me, so I would hide in the nearby pine trees until they passed. Every night was so exciting, I loved it.
One night when I was talking with God I noticed the cracks in the pavement. I told Him that I knew that there are many paths in this life like the many cracks with branches that lead in all directions. I followed them as I prayed confessing in my spirit and by my mouth that I didn’t want to stray from His paths. I knew that only He was the Way the Truth and the Life. I would do my best to hold true as I followed the crack that lead to the nearest lamppost. It was then that I heard His response.
Light and Darkness has always held a lot of wonder for me. I liked to think about them because it was easy to slip into the mysteries. I would dive into seeing them as the manifestations of good and evil, recognizing their character in their properties, and then stepping to the side and seeing them as mere companions in this life both holding true to their functions as tools for our experience. But this night, He wanted to show me something more that has forever changed my eyes.
When following the cracks to the Light, I noticed darkness following me. In my heart that night with my desire to be true to what He has shown me, I saw the darkness as a remnant of the Fall. My face to the lamppost, I knew the darkness to be my shadow, my fallen nature. My shadow, always following me, reminding me of my inability to rid myself of my sinfulness.
It was then that He stopped me, I turned around and saw that when I was distant from the light, it was hard to see the details of my shadow. It blended into the surrounding darkness, the world, and its ways. In that distance, my shadow was barely noticeable. I didn’t stand out. It was almost comforting, but for the burning within my chest to turn around and run to the lamp. Mystery 1 revealed.
When I did, and I came closer to that revealing light, the Spirit whispered to me again to turn and look. I did and saw that my shadow was much more distinct, my shame that much more visible. O how I felt the fear-filled desire to turn back to the darkness and hide. I almost did, but then He drew me closer. I’d be lying if I denied the pain that every step brought to my heart. My shadow became blacker and blacker, thick, almost tangible. Then finally I stood at the base of the lamppost. Mystery 2 revealed.
This was it, the closest I could come to the light of His presence. Forever excluded because of the shadow that I couldn’t escape from. I was left with this black hole at my feet, the light just above me, and out of reach. It was useless, hopelessness began to creep in. I pleaded with God that it wasn’t my fault, science says that my physical mass is blocking the light’s rays, that my shadow is only there because of my existence. So really it was a good thing… He wouldn’t let me step to the side just yet. He began to remind me of the Scriptures that say we who believe in Christ are called Children of Light (Ephesians 5). Because of our faith, we are the “light of the world” (Matthew 5:14). I then began to see that the only way to be rid of my shadow is to lose my physical body, my old self (Ephesians 4) and become the Light by clothing myself with Him. Mystery 3 revealed.
With this revelation in my mind, I began to leap around with joy. I began to talk to my shadow, telling it that its grip on my life was gone. Though I may still have a shadow to this day, in the mysteries, Jesus made a way for me to be free and draw near to God in a way impossible to man. Free of darkness, free of the taint of the Fall, free from that which so easily entangles (Hebrews 12:1).
Oddly enough, after that night, the cracks no longer mattered. My previous world of following as best I could didn’t hold me anymore; that was what shadows do. It became only about being in the Light, being the Light and helping others who are lost. Because frankly, no matter what people say, no one can see out there, out there in the darkness.
-Brian Carter